Defining Values for a Better Life
Podcast #21 — Aired March 27, 2014

What do you value in life? This week on BetterWorldians Radio we’ll talk about how pinpointing your highest values can lead to a more fulfilling life. Our guest this week is Dr. John Demartini, best-selling author of The Values Factor. Dr. Demartini will discuss what it means to have clearly defined values, and how to use those values to create better careers, relationships, and lives. Tune in every week to hear new guests share how they are making the world a better place and to learn how you can become a BetterWorldian!

 

 

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Dr. John Demartini
Author, The Values Factor

Dr. John Demartini is considered one of the world’s leading authorities on human behavior and personal empowerment. The knowledge he shares is a culmination of 41 years of cross-disciplinary research. As an educator he travels full time around the world teaching people how to be more self-governed and empowered in all areas of their lives. He teaches them how to develop their potential, clarify their life and career direction and live inspired and fulfilled lives.

Episode Transcript

Raymond Hansell
Joining us today is Dr. John Demartini, author of The Values Factor. Dr. Demartini is considered one of the world's leading authorities on human behavior and personal empowerment. The knowledge he shares is a culmination of 41 years of research across many fields. As an educator he travels full-time around the world teaching people how to be more self-governed and empowered in all areas of their lives. He teaches them how to develop their potential, clarify their lives and career direction and live inspired and fulfilled lives. Dr. Demartini, its so great to have you onboard with us today on BetterWorldians Radio.

Dr. John Demartini
Well thank you, thank you.

Raymond Hansell
You're very, very welcome. Our listeners might be surprised to hear that your story begins by your dropping out of school at an early age, at 14. Can you tell us a little bit about the challenges that you faced at that time?

Dr. John Demartini
When I was in elementary school, I was told by my first grade teacher in front of my parents that I would never be able to read, never be able to write, never be able to communicate, never be able to amount to anything or never go very far in life. I had speech impediments and learning problems. So I made it through elementary school with the help of smart kids by asking a bunch of questions but when my parents moved from Houston Texas to Richmond Texas, we didn't have a smart bunch of kids. We lived in the country in a low socioeconomic area and I just didn't have anybody to help me through school so I ended up falling down in grades and failing and then eventually I left home and I started living on the streets. So that was my starting point as a teenager.

Raymond Hansell
My goodness. That's quite a modest and humble starting point. Can you tell us a little bit about the night that you first heard Paul Bragg speaks and how that really started to change in your life?

Dr. John Demartini
Well I got into sports a little bit. I got into surfing because some street kids did that. I ended up going and hitchhiking from Texas to California and through Mexico and then eventually panhandling enough money to make it to Hawaii and I was living on the north shore of Oahu and surfing and living in a tent. And I ended up not taking care of myself, ended up getting a toxic poisoning there, strychnine poisoning, and nearly died. And luckily a lady found me in my tent, led me to a health food store to help me recover. And leaving the health food store I ended up going to a little class one night. I never went to classes, but that night something intuitively said go and enlist in this class and the special guest speaker was Paul Bragg. Paul Bragg in one night, in one hour with one message got to me and for the first time in my life it made me think by his speech that I just might be able to be intelligent some day and maybe I'll learn how to read. Everybody else could read except me so I had a dream that night that maybe I could overcome my learning problems and I wanted to be able to read, and I wanted to learn, and I wanted to be a teacher because I thought teachers were intelligent. And so I thought I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to travel the world and I wanted to learn and be intelligent. So that was the beginning of my journey 42 years ago.

Raymond Hansell
It began with that speech and also with that dream. You began then a career teaching early on, one-on-one as I understand by reading your book with students that grew eventually into a global career and a dozen best-selling books. Can you tell us why you were inspired to teach in the first place?

Dr. John Demartini
Well like I said, I didn't know if I would ever be able to read. I didn't read until I was 18 and after meeting Paul Bragg, I got so inspired by what he'd said that I thought maybe I could do it. So I picked up my first book when I was right at 18 and it was Chico's Organic Gardening and Natural Living. There was a hippie on the front cover that looked like me and I thought if that sucker could write it, I bet I could read it. I pulled it up and I was able to get through that book. It's mainly pictures of gardens and so I had to go and try to do that and I eventually flew back to California, hitchhiked back to Texas. I took a GED, which is a high school equivalency test and I passed it by guessing. I passed somehow miraculously I passed a college entrance exam and then started classes and I failed. I ended up, I got a 27 on the test instead of a 72 and I almost gave up on my whole dream, and my mom saw me crying in the living room and I apologized to her. I said I don't think I'll ever read or write. And she looked at me and put her hand on my shoulder and said son whether you become a great teacher and travel the world like you dream, whether you return to Hawaii and ride big waves like you've done, or return to the streets and panhandle as a bum like you've done, I just want to let you know that your father and I are going to love you no matter what. When she said that, my hand went into a fist. I saw a vision of me speaking and traveling and I said to myself I'm going to master this thing called reading and teaching and philosophy and I'm going to do whatever it takes, travel whatever distance, pay whatever the price to give my service of love. I hugged my mom. I went in my room and I started memorizing 30 words a day in a dictionary. She used to test me on it and my vocabulary started to grow. I eventually started passing school and then I had an absolute veracious desire to want to read and learn and I started reading dictionaries and encyclopedias and tried to increase my vocabulary 30 words a day and memorizing words. And then my mom for my 19th birthday she said so what do you want for your birthday. I said I want the greatest teachings on the face of the earth, the greatest writings I could ever get around the world. And she said son, you don't want a t-shirt or something. I said no, I want the greatest teachings. She contacted her brother from MIT who was a physicist and chemist and he sent as a gift two 6x6x6 wooden crates full of thousands of books. I filled my room. They came on a flatbed truck. We opened them up with a crowbar and brought them all into the room and filled my room and I just started reading 18 to 20 hours a day and just doing yoga and fasting and reading all day. And I started growing my vocabulary and growing my understanding and slowly but surely students started gathering around me asking questions. It started out with one, and then two, and then three, and a group of 17, and then by the time I went on to the University of Houston we used to have 100 to 150 every day under the trees gathered asking questions. It grew to the city and community and state and nation and now we've been blessed to be all over the world with students. So I just never gave up on my dream. I keep working and I keep reading every day and I've been blessed now to do this every day of my life.

Raymond Hansell
Yes, you indeed have been blessed. Hearing this story as it unravels as you tell the story, its even more incredible. In your book, The Values Factor, you talk about living life according to your highest values. So let me ask you, what are your highest values and how does that relate to how you spend your life?

Dr. John Demartini
Yeah, my highest value is research, writing, traveling and teaching. I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing. I've already done over 80+ speeches this year and I do about 400 a year and I just full-time travel and teach. That's my highest value. That's what I love doing. I research every day. I write every day. I travel most every day and I teach every day. I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing. That's what I focus on every day.

Raymond Hansell
But you don't consider yourself a hard worker so how do you explain that to our listeners?

Dr. John Demartini
You know when you're doing something you love to do, you don't think of it. People always say what do you do to chill out and I say I don't need to chill out. This is what I love doing. It's an inspiration to me and they don't understand it because they have a different set of values. But every human being has a unique set of priorities or set of values or things that are most important to least important in their lives and when you live congruently and in alignment with what's truly most important, highest on your values, you're inspired from within to do it. You don't need motivation or incentives or chill outs dealing with it. You're just inspired. You can't wait to get up and tap dance to work as Warren Buffet says.

Raymond Hansell
You sound like you're chilling out right now. I think you're really enjoying yourself.

Dr. John Demartini
I love it. I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather be doing.

Raymond Hansell
I'm sorry, go ahead.

Dr. John Demartini
I mean I was just in New Zealand. I just got in from New Zealand last night or early this morning actually and we had programs to St. Peters College. We had programs to professional schools. We had programs to two companies. We had programs on personal development, programs on evening events, on stress. I mean every day we did at least two talks and this is what I set out to do when I was 17, 18 years old. This was my goal.

Raymond Hansell
Well that's amazing. You write in The Values Factor that when people think of values, their values, many people first think of what you call social idealisms. What does that mean?

Dr. John Demartini
Well so often people subordinate to people on the outside and compare themselves to others instead of comparing their daily actions and priorities to their own dreams. And what happens, as Emerson said, is envy, is ignorance, and imitation is suicide. They subordinate to other people and let social peer pressure or individual authorities inject their values into you and what we do is we stop ourselves from living extraordinary lives because we try to be somebody we're not. These social idealisms many people confuse as their values. And I see this every week in the programs and I try to help people liberate themselves from the bondage of all these expectations and should's, and ought to's, and supposed to's, and got to's, and have to's, and must: these imperative languages that we inject from outside authorities. I said on the Secret, when the voice and the vision on the inside are louder than all opinions on the outside, you begin to master your life. So I help people liberate themselves from the outer influence and let the voice and vision on the inside guide them so they can activate their genius and do something extraordinary with their lives. That's what I'm dedicated to.

Raymond Hansell
So effectively we're shutting down the should's at this point.

Dr. John Demartini
Well we're transcending because as long as we are too humble to admit that what we have inside is less, if we keep thinking that what we have is less than them and what we see in them is missing in us, we'll play small. We'll minimize ourselves and we'll expect ourselves to be somebody we're not and try to live outside values. And when we do, we automatically have what I call the A, B, C, Ds of negativity which is internal anger, aggression, blame, betrayal, criticism, challenge, despair and depression. We have to be able to liberate ourselves from that and be authentic and integral to what's important to us. When we do, if we prioritize our life and delegate lower priority things, we liberate ourselves from the frustrations of life and get on with inspirations of life.

Raymond Hansell
That sounds fantastic. We're going to be talking more about how do we do that exactly but first we need to take a break right now. When we come back, we'll talk more with Dr. Demartini about how each person can discover his or her highest value. In the meantime, I'd like to offer this challenge to our listeners. If you know someone whose acts, no matter how small are making a difference in the lives of other people, we'd love to hear about them. Tweet us at #BetterWorldians so we can let the BetterWorldian community know. You can learn more at BetterWorldians.com and follow our live tweets at Twitter.com/BetterWorldians. We'll be right back. (Music) Become our friend on Facebook. Post your thoughts about our shows and network on our timeline. Visit Facebook.com/VoiceAmerica. (Music) How can we make it a better world? I think we can make it a better world if we had peace among each other. Everybody needs to help their neighbor and then it'll spread from then on. I should do more. I could do more. I spend so much time on Facebook. How much time do I spend on Facebook? Probably more than I should be spending. I would definitely give back if I could find the time. Now, you can help others just by playing a game on Facebook. Its called A Better World. Share your hopes and dreams. Do good deeds. Make a difference and have fun. Become a BetterWorldian. Join a community where all good deeds get rewarded. Log in today to find out how you can make a difference every day. For more information visit Facebook.com/ABetterWorld. (Music) Think you've seen everything there is to see in online television? Let us surprise you. Visit VoiceAmerica.tv today for sports, health, business and more, on demand 24/7. (Music) This is BetterWorldians Radio with the family team of Ray, MarySue and Gregory Hansell. To connect with the show today, please call us at 1-866-472-5788, that's 1-866-472-5788. You may also send us an email to Radio@BetterWorldians.com. Now, back to BetterWorldians Radio. We've recently launched a worldwide kindness campaign. We're challenging BetterWorldians around the globe to watch a two minute video that illustrates the power of kindness. When it reaches a million views, we will release funds for surgeries that will allow 10 kids in the developing world to walk for the first time. Please watch the video, share it with your friends at ColorWithKindness.com. That's ColorWithKindness.com. And now let's welcome back Dr. John Demartini and MarySue.

MarySue Hansell
Hi Dr. Demartini.

Dr. John Demartini
Hi.

MarySue Hansell
Hi. Before the break, we were all talking about social idealism. I want to talk about how each person can figure out what his or her real values are. How do we get away from the thoughts of what we think we should value and figure out what we truly should be valuing?

Dr. John Demartini
Well its interesting. I've been fascinated by what is it that drives human beings from within and one thing I'm certain about is your life demonstrates your values. But what happens is we inject the values of outside authorities, either one or group peer pressure and then what we do is we judge our own values relative to them and we create what Freud used to call a super ego which judges ourselves and this internalization with outside authorities value system as a super ego judges us and then we end up curtailing in being ourselves. And so I look at what people's life really demonstrates instead of what they think it should be and I look at how they fill their space, because this is the first value determinant because things that are really, really valuable to you, you keep close to you. Things that aren't, you push away. You get distant from you. Trash you throw away. Things that are valuable you keep close and intimate. So how do you fill your space? How do you spend time and what do you always find time for? What is it that energizes you? Because when you're doing something that's really high in your values, you have more energy at the end of the day than when you started. And if you're drained at the end of the day, its because you've been not fulfilled doing what you love. The fourth one is, what is it you spend your money on? What is it you always find money for? Because you value it, you'll spend money on it. The fifth one is, where are you most organized and ordered? The sixth one is, where are you most disciplined and reliable? You're always disciplined to do the thing that's truly valuable to you. The next one is what do you think about that is actually coming true in your life? What are you thinking about most about what you want in your life that's coming true? It shows evidence of coming true. The next one is, what are you visualizing that shows evidence of coming true? The next one is, what are you talking yourself into, internal dialogue or affirmations, or auto-suggestions. What are you saying to yourself about how you want your life that's coming true? The next one is, what do you converse with other people about when you're in social settings? What do you keep bringing the conversation to? The next one is, what inspires you the most and what is common to the people who inspire you? The next one is, what are the most consistent and persistent goals that you have that you show evidence of coming true on? And the last one is, what do you keep wanting to read, study, learn or listen to most? When you go to the bookstore, what do you keep bee-hiving to, to go study? If you look carefully and answer each of those 13 determinants, three answers, the top A, B, C answers you'll find out that some of the answers are repeated or synonyms that are the same. And what you look is the thing that most occurred, what came up most frequent, second most frequent, third most frequent, etc. It'll determine what your values are because your life is demonstrating your values. But many times when you think it should be something else, you'll be beating yourself up doing what you keep loving to do. And I see this all the time when people say, I don't know, I just keep sabotaging. I keep not being disciplined. I keep not staying focused. 99% of the time, they're trying to inject other people's values, trying to be somebody they're not, but they keep going back to what's really important to them. And so their value determinants will give us an indicator of what their life really demonstrates, not what they think it should be.

MarySue Hansell
Yeah, I love those 13 questions and those exercises that you have in your book. It really pinpointed me well when I filled them out, especially that last one. What do you like to do? You should study and research. I'm always studying and researching how to make people happy, how to improve health and so forth. So I thought you did an excellent job at listing those things. You know, you say that there's something -- people say there's something in their lives that they want, like they don't have money, they want more money. They want a better relationship and all those kinds of things. And you're saying its because they don't value it enough. Can you explain a little bit more about what that means?

Dr. John Demartini
Yeah, let me give an example, a story here. As I travel, because I travel full-time, I'm in sometimes in front of thousands of people and one time in Melbourne Australia I asked people, there were about a thousand people in the audience, I said how many of you would love to be financially independent. Pretty well every hand went up. And I said great. Can you look around the room? Everybody look around the room. Now keep your hands up and they saw that it was a full house. And then I said, what's the percentage of people that actually become financially independent? And I heard out anywhere from 1% to 3% or less than 1%. I said well it's actually less than 1%. I said so can you see that even though 100% of you have your hands up, less than 1% of you are actually going to do it. So that means that there's a big discrepancy between what you say you want and what you're actually going to live. I said now watch this. I want you to get a piece of paper out and I want you to write the ten things you would do if I handed you ten million dollars right now. If you had ten million dollars and you could pretty well relax with ten million dollars, what would you do? You have one minute to write the ten things you would do. Quickly write them. I'd have them all write down these ten things that they'd do and at the end of the minute, I'd have them turn to the next person to the right of them and I have them read it and total up how much money is left in those ten things. And of the ten million dollars, the average person spent between two and eight million dollars in literally one minute on the ten things they'd do. I explain to them that as long as you have less money at that minute than you would -- in other words, if you listed those ten things and you would spend the money on lifestyle and on consumering and basically depreciables, then it means you don't really have a value on building wealth. You have a value on living a lifestyle. Many people confuse financial independence with a fancy lifestyle. I said but out of the room, seven people out of 1,000 people actual wrote down that they'd invest it, how they would invest it and turn it into 20 million. These are the people that will be financially independent because the heart of their values dictate their financial destiny. And what they have is really valuable. They value investing their money and putting it into appreciables and making sure that they build their wealth and the others want to spend their money on depreciables and consumables and want to erode their wealth. I said so everybody has their hands up fanaticizing that they want to be financially independent but seven out of 1,000 are going to do it. So you have to decide whether or not you really are willing to change the values to match the goal of financial independence or set up a fantasy that beats yourself up with thinking you're going to do it and year's later you still haven't got there. So many people have this fantasy about what they want but the real truth is their life is demonstrating what the real values do. And so I'm a firm believer at first finding out what that is so they're not living in their fantasy and causing their nightmares.

MarySue Hansell
You know you talk in your book about how voids influence these values. Can you share a little bit more about that?

Dr. John Demartini
Yeah because if a person really truly, truly, truly feels they want wealth, it's because they don't feel that they have enough. Their void is what determines it. If they don't have a relationship, they search for a relationship. If they don't have an understanding they search for knowledge. If they don't have social influence, they search for people to influence. So their voids determine their values and whatever is most missing becomes most important. So when people say they want to be financially independent but they don't have a demonstration of it, then what they do is they get their money and they spend it on consumables but the real truth of building financial wealth is not really a void in their life. They just think it is and getting to what's true in their life and what's really missing in their life and what they're really willing to fill and work on is crucial for them because if they set goals that are not congruent with that, they self-defeat. Its important to set goals that are congruent. There's only two ways of having fulfillment. Setting goals that match your highest values or changing your highest values to match the goals.

MarySue Hansell
You know I love that story in your book, The Values Factor, about the woman in Quebec, if you remember that one, who loved dancing but didn't know how to make it work. I think our listeners would really enjoy hearing how you helped her make that work.

Dr. John Demartini
Well we looked at what her highest values were and I was kind of surprised. She was a large woman and I didn't anticipate her being a dancer. It didn't match my assumed image of that. But when she said I love flamingo dance. I love dancing. I love going to singing in operas and dancing and things like that. And so I defined what it is she loved doing. She said I love traveling. I love singing and dancing. I love this. We listed them all. We looked at what her life demonstrated and we could see that she was going to dance studios. She was dancing regularly. She was socializing. She was taking trips and vacations but usually working so she could take a trip to erode her money to go back to have to work and then spend her money on another trip and back to zero again. So we basically sat down and I said why don't we do what we love and get paid for it, and that was kind of an eye opener for her because I really believe people deserve to do what they love and get handsomely paid for it because otherwise you have Monday morning blues, Wednesday hump days, thank god its Friday's and weekends free that ends all the time. I said let's define it. What do you want to do? She said I want to travel. I want to dance. We put together a company where she could go and take groups of people from dance studios onto different locations around the world. The first place she went was Spain and she took people on an adventure to do and see the greatest flamingo dancers and it was amazing. Flamingo guitar players and dancers and they were just fabulous. And she took I think a dozen people there. She made $4,500 after all expenses and she got a week in Spain. So she started a business doing that and she started going from one place to the other and wherever she could get the greatest dancers in the world and she built up her repertoire. She ended up meeting all these dancers, become friends with them, paid for their services out of the proceeds from the people, and put together a business. So now she travels the world and she goes dancing. I believe that people deserve to do what they love and get paid handsomely paid to do it.

MarySue Hansell
Yeah, that was perfect for her. You really helped her well. You also talk in the book about how values affect intimate relationships. You always hear people talking about this. Can you tell us about the three types of relationships that you cover; the careless, the careful and the caring?

Dr. John Demartini
Yeah, every human being lives by a set of priorities, a set of values and their highest value whatever is most important in their life, their identity revolves around and that's what is most inspiring. That's what they can't wait to get up in the morning and do. They're spontaneously inspired from within to do it and that's their life. That's what they want to dedicate their life to and nobody dedicates their life to you expect you. That's what you are committed to. So everybody wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are, that highest value. And so if you're in a relationship and you think that your values are greater than the person you're in partnership with, you'll typically talk down to them and try to change them and get them to be more like you. But if any two people are exactly the same, one is not necessary. So if you try to get them to be like you and talk down to them, you have a careless relationship because you care less about their values than your own. If you subordinate yourself to them and minimize yourself to them and exaggerate them and put them on a pedestal during an infatuation phase, you'll end up being in a careful relationship and you'll walk on eggshells worrying about what they do or figuring about them being lost or gone or rejecting you. So here a careful relationship is minimizing yourself and exaggerating them and their values. But the final one is the caring relationship, which keeps the ring on the finger and that is when you and they both have your own unique set of values and you've asked how specific is what they're dedicated to serving what you're dedicated to and how is what youre dedicated to serving what they're dedicated to. And you realize there's nothing to change in them or you and you're learning the art of communicating in a dialogue what's important to you in terms of what's important to them. This is the one that keeps the ring on the finger. This is the one that inspires. This is the one that makes sustainable fair exchange. This is the one that creates a lasting relationship. Its caring about the individual to communicate what truly you're dedicated to in terms of what they're truly dedicated to.

MarySue Hansell
Interesting. Do you think its helpful to find a partner whose values match your own or should we simply need to understand and respect the values of our partner, whether they're different from ours or not?

Dr. John Demartini
Well, just as I said a minute ago, no two people have the same values so it'll be unrealistic to expect somebody to match. And if you get somebody that's too similar, you'll get bored. If you get somebody that's to different, you'll get burned out. And somewhere between boredom and burnout is where a sustainable relationship is. So you have to have what is called the binomial relationship. Binomial means that you have enough similarities that you can relate but enough differences that you can challenge each other and banter with each other to grow. Because its shown that maximum growth and development occurs at the border of support and challenge. And so you have to have both support in similarities and challenges in differences to make a healthy relationship. So otherwise you don't have respect for the person because they have to have their uniqueness. Anyway, the purpose of the marriage is not happiness as some people like to think. The purpose of marriage is to find somebody you can delegate low priorities to and that's supposed to be humorous. (Laughter)

MarySue Hansell
Oh boy. Anyway, I also wanted to talk with you about very interesting area that you had in the book about the seven fears that people have that really prevent them from fulfilling their lives and reaching their potential. Let's just chat a little bit about some of those and some of the ways that you recommend overcoming them. I think the first one you mentioned was a fear of breaking moral ethics. Can you share more about that?

Dr. John Demartini
Well anytime you meet somebody that you think is more spiritually aware, more intellectually savvy, more business successful, more financially viable, better relationship or intimacy, or beautiful spouse, more socially influential or better looking or more vital, anytime you subordinate to somebody else and put them on a pedestal and minimize yourself and inject some of their influence into your life and try to be somebody you're not, you're going to be living in a minimized kind of fearful mode of trying to live up to their expectations. Anytime you set up a fantasy of trying to live in somebody else's values, you're going to live with a phobia and a nightmare of not living it. So you have to set goals that are congruent with who you are, not who you think you should be. And anytime you are too humble to admit what you see in them inside you, you'll minimize yourself and play small and cloud the clarity of your own mission, your own purpose, and your own highest value. So this is what I call learning the art of owning the traits, because the truth is at the level of the soul, nothing is missing in us. At the level of our senses, things appear to be. So whenever we think that we're missing something that others have, it's because we're not looking at where we have what they have inside us. So I always ask people where and when do you demonstrate or display the traits you see in these people you admire, these great people that you think are your heroes and find out where and when you demonstrate it. Don't stop until you can see and own it 100% to what you see in them. When you do, you won't live in their shadows but you'll stand on their shoulders and you'll awaken and liberate yourself from that bondage and awaken inside you a profoundness and a magnificence inside you that you've been denying. The moment you do, you don't live in fear. You stand strong. The fear of public speaking is not the fear of speaking. It's the fear of speaking in front of somebody you think is more intelligent of more successful than you. The second you minimize yourself to somebody, you have difficulty speaking. The second you're around people that you think are less than you, you have no problem speaking. So it has everything to do with minimization and subordination to others that creates these fears that holds us back and clouds the power of our own mission and service to the world.

Raymond Hansell
That's an amazing description of the fear of public speaking. I never heard it put quite like that.

Dr. John Demartini
Yeah, I've been blessed to help thousands of people in speaking and I people that really have difficulty. They stand up and they have difficulty. We have them close their eyes and we do a chronology on it. We go back to their kindergarten class and imagine them speak in front of a kindergarten class and they can speak. They go to first grade. They can speak. Second grade they can speak. Third, speak. Fourth, all of a sudden they have difficulty speaking and there was somebody in fourth grade that reminded them of somebody they felt intimidated by or minimized to. We go in there and find out what the trait is in the person in the class. We then find out where the person displays it in their life. Once they're equal, they have no fear. We go on to the next level. We just keep going until they imagine themselves speaking in front of prime ministers and presidents and the most powerful people on the planet, wealthiest, and then once they own the traits, they have no problem speaking whatsoever. It's really quite amazing watching them. They're very inspired afterwards.

Raymond Hansell
Amazing indeed. We're going to take another break at this point. When we come back, we'll talk more with Dr. Demartini about how you can live your highest values today. Be right back. (Music) (Become our friend on Facebook. Post your thoughts about our shows and network on our timeline. Visit Facebook.com/VoiceAmerica. (Music) How can we make it a better world? I think we can make it a better world if we had peace among each other. Everybody needs to help their neighbor and then it'll spread from then on. I should do more. I could do more. I spend so much time on Facebook. How much time do I spend on Facebook? Probably more than I should be spending. I would definitely give back if I could find the time. Now, you can help others just by playing a game on Facebook. Its called A Better World. Share your hopes and dreams. Do good deeds. Make a difference and have fun. Become a BetterWorldian. Join a community where all good deeds get rewarded. Log in today to find out how you can make a difference every day. For more information visit Facebook.com/ABetterWorld. (Music) Think you've seen everything there is to see in online television? Let us surprise you. Visit VoiceAmerica.tv today for sports, health, business and more, on demand 24/7. (Music) This is BetterWorldians Radio with a family team of Ray, MarySue and Gregory Hansell. To connect with the show today, please call us at 1-866-472-5788, that's 1-866-472-5788. You may also send us an email to Radio@BetterWorldians.com. Now, back to BetterWorldians Radio.

Gregory Hansell
Hi Dr. Demartini, this is Greg.

Dr. John Demartini
Hi Greg.

Gregory Hansell
You know there are two things I wanted to cover that really jumped out at me from your thinking. The first is that I saw you defined depression as a comparison of your current reality to unrealistic expectations that you are addicted to. And you also say you can't appreciate where you are in life if you keep comparing that to a fantasy. I see this every day in so many people. I've done it myself. Tell us something about the dangers here.

Dr. John Demartini
Well I find right now today in our pharmaceutically dependent world, its amazing how many people have been brainwashed into thinking well they have a biochemical imbalance and that's the reason why they're depressed and of course the medical doctor wants them to think that. I'm not saying there aren't biochemical imbalances. There are, but you know if a tiger or a lion was to come in your room all of a sudden, your cortisol levels would jump up and be imbalanced in a second because of your perceptions. And so our perceptions are being minimized and we're just looking at biochemistry instead of looking at what's triggering that biochemistry. And weve also had experiences in life where we've had these shocking events and we didn't get to neutralize and balance those events. They just got repressed and they're still running our physiology inside. So I basically helped identify 15 primary unrealistic expectations that people have that I've found in every case of depression. I've worked with thousands of them, and some of them are clinically depressed, sometimes they're suicidal, sometimes they're on medication, and sometimes they're institutionalized. I haven't found one case of depression that didn't have unrealistic expectations, delusions and fantasies that they were addicted to and holding onto and they were expecting their life to match. And this fantasy that they live by is causing their torture. I really believe that the depression is the body's feedback mechanism to guide us to break our addiction to that fantasy and its actually not necessary as much a disease as it is a feedback system to help us. And once we learn, because I've taken thousands of people through it, breaking the fantasy and cleared the depressions. It's really inspiring to watch this change because they have the power within themselves without having to change the medication or take a medication even.

Gregory Hansell
You know I think it is inspiring. Its also interesting to me that I felt like there was this unifying theme I was seeing throughout the sections of The Value Factor whether talking about depression or relationships with an unrealistic expectation of a partner, and other areas you discussed as well that this disjunction was there between fantasy and reality. I'm wondering whether that's a core aspect of your thinking, that this junction between fantasy and reality and how to get over it.

Dr. John Demartini
Well see, when we live according to our highest values, we have the greatest resiliency and adaptation. We're adapting to a changing environment. We have resiliency and we have what is called you stress. We embrace challenge as much as support in the pursuit of our purpose in life, and our purpose is that highest value. And so when we live by that, we're embracing positives and negatives, support and challenge, pleasures and pains equally. But as we go down the list of values into lower priorities, we tend to look for immediate gratification and pleasure because we're not fulfilled doing it. I always say that immediate gratification and addictive behavior is a byproduct of unfulfilled highest values. And the lower we go down in our value list, the more we want pleasure over pain which activates our animal behavior. Our animal nature has an impulse for prey, pleasure and food, dopamine, and tries to avoid pain, predator and pain you might say, nociception. And so we have this tendency to look for pleasure and avoid pain by our animal nature, our lowest nature and embrace pleasure and pain equally in our highest nature. So whenever we're basically unfulfilled in our highest values, we're more vulnerable to depression and fantasies because we're looking for a pleasure and trying to avoid a pain. And as the Buddha described in the teachings of the Shuddhi basically, the desire for that which is unavailable and the desire to avoid that which is unavoidable is a source of human suffering. And so people don't even realize that they're addicted to these fantasies and unrealistic expectations and setting up delusions and then they're having nightmares and frustrations and anger and depression compensating for it.

Gregory Hansell
How do you tread that line then between shooting for your dreams without comparing yourself with an unrealistic fantasy?

Dr. John Demartini
Well the difference, most people don't realize that every weekend I teach the breakthrough experience which is my signature program around the world. I just did it in New Zealand and Oakland a couple days ago. I explain to people, most people don't know the distinction between a fantasy and a goal. A fantasy is something that is not doable by the laws of the universe, or something that's not aligned with your highest values, or something not aligned with other people's highest values that you're expecting to get an outcome with but you're not really committed to. But its a fantasy because you've injected it into your life from outside sources. A real goal is something that you'll embrace pain and pleasure in the pursuit of. You'll have a strategy for. You won't give up on it. And whatever happens you'll see it somehow on the way as a feedback. You won't give up on the project and you just keep working towards it. Its something gradually obtainable and realistic. And so people don't realize that they're setting up fantasies just like the people that say I want to be financially independent but they don't have the values that will lead them there. I've gone through 25 billionaires and interviewed them and found their values and also middle income people and also impoverished people. They all have different values and the values will determine their destiny. If they have a goal that doesn't match their values, it becomes a fantasy. But if they have a goal that does, they'll pursue whatever it takes, pain and pleasure, support or challenge in the pursuit of it to obtain it and they'll get it.

Gregory Hansell
Yeah, you know I thought that was a really interesting distinction in a way because sometimes people think that they're having dreams when really I think its fantasies and its getting in the way of their goals. And it reminded me of another thing I found fascinating that you brought up is this distinction and I've never heard this before between passion and values, which I liked. Many people talk about finding their passion in life but you really point out how passions are more about our animal nature and so how do we find that clear distinction there between passions and values?

Dr. John Demartini
If you go to the dictionary you will find out that up until about 1985 when the passion for excellence came out, it was defined very clearly as ungoverned, uncontrolled suffering. It was the id by Freud. It was the passionate animal behavior that was ungoverned inside us that had the passions. Even in Christianity they had the seven deadly sins which are slough; which meant you want ease without difficulty and don't have to work; greed, which is money without effort; lust, which is pleasure without pain kind of thing; gluttony, which is food. Always a one-sided thing. It was a pleasure without a pain. But every one of those things has side effects and downsides, so I always say that passion is the animal nature searching for that which is unobtainable. Kind of like a one-sided magnet and trying to avoid the other side, which is the other side of the magnet. And a magnet always has two sides. And so that's the difference between passion and mission. In inspired mission, you'll embrace pain and pleasure in the pursuit of. Ease and difficulty, support and challenge equally in the pursuit of a great cause. But passion will only do it if its pleasurable and you'll tend to avoid it instinctively if its painful. And most people throw around I want to find my passion. I want to be passionate, but that means to suffer. In old English it means to suffer. Just like the word compassion means to suffer with somebody. So I don't promote suffering or compassion for people or passionate behavior by its oldest definition. I'm more involved in helping people get grounded in their reason, set realistic goals, be inspired by a mission that they're dedicated to, embrace the true pains and pleasures it takes to accomplish it, and get real.

Gregory Hansell
It struck me reading the book and watching the videos that these passions attempt to fill these voids that as you point out can lead us to our higher values and so it seemed doubly problematic to me, right. So on the one hand, we get stuck in this loop of endlessly trying to gratify that passion, which is a never ending cycle. That hole is never filled. But at the same time by trying to fill that hole with those passions, fill the void with those passions, we aren't using those voids to catapult us toward our higher values. I just wanted your thoughts on that.

Dr. John Demartini
Exactly. Well as I said earlier, anytime you're not setting goals that are aligned and congruent with your true highest most inspiring values where you're willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill them, you're automatically going to have unfulfillment, less fulfillment. And this unfulfillment then makes us shrink because when you set goals that are aligned and are inspiring and are meaningful, you'll embrace pain and pleasure in the pursuit of it. You'll accomplish it. You'll wake up your natural born certainty in leadership. You'll expand the space and time horizons in your accomplishments and go on to greater things. But anytime you set a goal that's not truly highest on your value, that's low, that's been injected from outer authorities and its not really you, which is a fantasy that you're setting, you'll end up beating yourself up, procrastinate, hesitate, frustrate. You'll tend to give up on things and you'll shrink and that's when you set up immediate gratifications and want quick fixes and kind of a quick fix of pleasure to compensate for the unfulfillment. And this leads to addictive behavior, and this leads to a shrunken smaller lifespan and life expanse and experience, and this is where most people are stuck. And they go and look for a quick fix. They go to work and they're not engaged because they're not inspired by their work. They go and have Monday morning blues and Wednesday hump days and thank god its Friday and week freakin ends and they can't wait to get to a stimulus like coffee or tea or drugs, porn or something on their internet to get away from their unfulfilled careers. This is not how to live. To organize your life in priority and to delegate lower priorities and get on with doing things that's meaningful and get paid to do what you love to do, this is what I teach people to do. It's very few people that actually give themselves permission to do something extraordinary this way but the people that do, they do extraordinary things and they give themselves to live a magnificent life. I love watching this unfold and it's a science on how to do it. The book shows them how to do it.

Gregory Hansell
Well talking about your teaching and how you teach people how to live this more meaningful life, you mentioned earlier but you have this seminar called The Breakthrough Experience, which you offer all over the world. Tell us a bit about how that works.

Dr. John Demartini
Well I've been teaching The Breakthrough Experience for 25 years now. I do it about 40+ times a year. I do it most weekends. I'm in some country somewhere. Last week was Oakland. The week before that was Brisbane. The week before that was South Africa and Johannesburg. Every week Im somewhere different. And what I do in the program is I help people identify what's truly valuable to them, not the bull, not the hype, not the injected values, but what's really truly valuable. What our life demonstrates. Because the second a person sets goals that are congruent with that, they achieve and then their self-worth goes up and then their net worth goes up, and then their willingness to get paid for that, and their willingness to believe in that, their willingness to tackle challenges because people that are willing to tackle challenges that inspire them don't keep attracting challenges that don't. They fill their day with things that are meaningful instead of having it distracted and filled up with things that are unfulfilling. When they do, they do amazing things. The Breakthrough Experience is about helping people break through the limitations that are holding them back and getting on track with what's true for them. There's nothing more magnificent to the true them. No fantasy they'll ever inject in themselves or put on themselves will ever compete with the real true them. And the moment they do, they do something original and creative and inspiring.

Gregory Hansell
Is the true them the big takeaway that you hope people bring from the seminar?

Dr. John Demartini
The seminar -- there's so much. What they're going to do is learn how to dissolve emotional baggage that all the fantasies that they're playing with, the fears that they're dealing with, the grief that they're experiencing, the beating themselves up with the ABCDs of negativity, the pride that's making them judge other people and talk down to people and not sell or not communicate well. All the emotions that are holding them back we dissolve. We show the science of how to dissolve them. We show them how to live with gratitude, love, inspiration and enthusiasm, which are synthesized feelings which are authentic. We show them how to dissolve all the emotions that they have on themselves, their self-judgments. We help them identify what they're strategies are and what they want to create. We help them dissolve grief of things they think they've lost. We show them how to own the traits, the greats, the people they think have something they don't so they realize they have everything that they see around them so they're not minimizing themselves and injecting values. We show them how to manifest things and keep focused because they're setting goals that are congruent. We show how to strategize and chunk things down to small enough bites so they don't have inertia and they don't have procrastination. There's just a ton of things that we do in this 24 hours we work together for two days on a weekend that its hard to put in words. It's an experience.

Gregory Hansell
That's amazing. For the listeners at home, listening to the show, what's the one thing they can do right now to start living by their highest values?

Dr. John Demartini
Well the first thing they can do is go on my website and download how to determine your values. If they go on Dr. Demartini website, DoctorDemartini.com, on the left side of the menu there's a value determination. If they hit that and go to how to determine your values, the second menu, they'll get a free download and its a booklet on exactly, it's like me right there in their face asking questions and helping them determine what they are first. Once they determine that, then we have to set goals that are congruent with that and quit setting fantasies because that's a self-defeating objective. Once we set goals that way, we then want to prioritize our daily lives in such a way, every single day you want to ask yourself what are the seven highest priority action steps I can do today to fulfill these highest values and my mission in life. Define and articulate what that dream and mission is, because a short pencil is better than a long memory. And the clearer you are the more likely youll get it. And prioritize things. And then ask, who can I delegate things to because you're only going to grow as far as you delegate. You want to surround yourself with people that are engaged and inspired by the things you need to delegate so you can be free to not micromanage and get on with things that are most meaningful and productive in your own life. And fill your day with things that inspire you instead of things that don't. Those are some things that can change a person's life.

Gregory Hansell
Well you know one question I ask every week to every guest at the end of the show is what do you see is the impact of your work, not just for the individual but the world as a whole? In your case, more people are living by their highest values, how does that help create a better world for all of us?

Dr. John Demartini
Well one thing I'm certain about, I was blessed to do a lot with education. In South Africa I just finished another program there but they've given me thousands of teachers and hundreds of principals and thousands of kids to work with there like in many countries. We took a township called Alexander there that had a 27% matric pass rate, only 27 kids out of 100 were passing high school equivalency in getting their high school degree. Well we started implementing the values factor into the educational system. We started teaching teachers how to determine their values, how to link the classes to those values so they're more inspired. We started teaching the kids how to determine their values and linked the classes to their values. We started linking the teachers and the kids values together so there's more caring communication. And the pass rate went from 27 to 97 in one year.

Gregory Hansell
Wow!

Dr. John Demartini
That's what we've done there. And in companies when we apply the values factor to corporations, we can take people that are unengaged, that are having engagement levels of 20 and 25 and 30% and we can get it up to 75 and 80% literally in three to four hours by doing a linking process which I outline in the book, The Values Factor. So companies are being more productive. We have Panasonic and Sony and Uniqlo and just in Japan alone these companies, thousands of people are implementing this so in how to get engagement level because when people can't wait to go to work to do what their service is, productivity goes skyrocketing. Profits go up. And when people realize that they don't go to work expect to fulfill their values so if they can't see how their job description and vision of the company is fulfilling their values, they're not going to go to work and be engaged. So we've set up systems on how to do that so the application there is enormous. Then when it comes to communication in relationships, we have Fairway Divorce Solutions, which is a system that uses the values on how to communicate in relationships to prevent divorces and have sustainable relationships. So we've implemented in governments in Tehran. We've implemented in governments in different countries, in corporations, healthcare systems, education. We've implemented it in all seven areas of life; spiritual development programs, religious groups are now using it. So it has an impact on the world if people will just implement it. I can't speak high enough about this because I've seen it work. I know what it can do. I know it. I can guarantee results with it. So the values factor is a very powerful factor in the world and its starting to spread now.

Raymond Hansell
Yes it is indeed. You can find out more about Dr. John Demartini's work by going to DoctorDemartini.com. This has been an amazing episode. Dr. Demartini, we'd like to thank you for joining us today on BetterWorldians Radio.

Dr. John Demartini
Thank you so much.

Raymond Hansell
You're very, very welcome. Please join us next week on BetterWorldians Radio when we'll be talking to Life Vest Inside founder Orly Wahba about her mission to empower and unite the world with kindness. We have an excellent lineup of guests in the coming weeks and if you know an unsung BetterWorldian who would make a great guest on our show you can send us an email at Radio@BetterWorldians.com. We'd like to remind everyone that you can still be part of a miracle by simply sharing our video challenge and help heal ten disabled children. Its that easy. Just go to ColorWithKindness.com, watch the video and share it with your friends. Give these kids the gift of a lifetime. For our listeners, we'd like to thank everyone today for listening. You can join the BetterWorldians community at BetterWorldians.com and until next time as I say every week, please be a BetterWorldian. (Music) Thank you again for helping make the world just a little bit better this week. Please join your hosts, Ray, MarySue and Gregory Hansell next Thursday at 11 a.m. Eastern time, 8 a.m. Pacific on the Voice America variety channel. We hope we've inspired you to do one small thing to help make a big difference. Join us at BetterWorldians.com to tell us what you've done to change the world. (Music) (Thanks again for listening to the proceeding program brought to you on The Voice America variety channel. For more information about our network and to check out additional show hosts and topics of interest, please visit VoiceAmericaVariety.com. The Voice America talk radio network is the worldwide leader in live internet talk radio. Visit VoiceAmerica.com. The views and ideas expressed on the proceeding program are strictly those of the host or guests and do not necessarily reflect the views and ideas held by the Voice America talk radio network, its staff and management.